Today was a sad day. Sad because a friend left. This friend gave me much and I feel that I gave so little in return. The whole day seemed so surreal. There were many who stood up and said things and I sat there stuffing my face with food. I was aware that I was utterly and totally selfish and there didnâ€™t seem to be a thing that I can do about it. I seem to be an outside observer and I felt very lonely. I seemed to be standing still while the world rushed by. And not just lonely, but I also felt ashamed, ashamed because I invested my time in so many things that are of lesser importance.
In my life I seek to gain for myself and this drives and fuels my motivations. I just feel so obligated to improve myself. This in itself is not true problem. The true problem is that I wish to improve myself in order to impress others. The sad thing to be seeking my own improvement for the benefit of phantom individuals who I canâ€™t pin down. It is amazing how very linear time as. Each moment creeps by and thereâ€™s nothing you can do to get it back. Thinking about life in this way can make someone paranoid in a very short period of time. Itâ€™s not that life moves so fast â€” it is that it just moves so incessantly forward. The inability to redo the past impacts how we should act and live now. Some of the reason in this particular case is helpful because it teaches me to be a better person, but this reason is at war with my insides and my very being which cries to be recognized, to be exalted, for glory.
I know that I want to be a better person, a better husband, a better father. I want to be a more moral person. I want to be someone whoâ€™s more open to friendships push more happy to invest in others, who is willing and able to love. I had such a hard time today making small talk with people in the office. I just canâ€™t stand to invest time in a way that is not going to produce something. I feel so totally, completely, overwhelmed. Next week Iâ€™ve got a right to final trip report for the homeland air and cruise missile defense study and I have to write this statement will work for the new money that weâ€™ve received for the model that Iâ€™m managing. Iâ€™m dictating this and I can write fairly quickly when Iâ€™m dictating. However, I cannot write that quickly as subject that I know so little about and that, in particular, is the statement of work with which I am now concerned. This is going to be very difficult to work through and I have got to cure up for a very difficult week. At least I trained myself today to get some exercise and enjoy some things. However, I know that there is much more balanced needed in my life and much more place is needed for God to speak into my heart and into my reason. This is the most difficult thing because I see very little value in studying God and giving God a place to speak in my life. Yes, this appalls me and shocks me to my core. It shocks me to my core because it reveals what my heart really is. My heart is obsessed with myself and this makes no sense and results in no goodness. This is my first blog entry and perhaps this represents the nadir of my spiritual, and personal, life. I truly hope to move on to a better mindset. Perhaps the only place from here is a. All is not lost. I still have my family, most of my external integrity, and my wonderful daughters. Thereâ€™s a lot more that I could mess up and a lot that could happen if this selfishness continues unabated. I know that I can reign it in, but itâ€™s going to take a lot of work. Iâ€™ll try my best to document on this blog and hopefully these words will be useful to others who are struggling with the same issues and perhaps are in the same place.